For the most part, my life is totally normal.
- Happy birthday. - No!
My dad was the annoyingly handsome quarterback
who married the hot valedictorian.
And, no, they didn't peak in high school.
I have a sister I actually like.
Not that I'd ever tell her that.
and 200 episodes of Chopped ago...
she decided she wanted to be a chef.
Which means we're pretty much all her test subjects now.
Is it spicy, Jack?
Gracious. Oh, my gosh.
And then there's my friends.
Two of them, I've known since pretty much the beginning of time.
- Or at least kindergarten. - No. No.
-或是至少从幼儿园开始 -不 不
- Oh! Sorry! - Okay. How 'bout that?
One of them, I just met a few months ago,
but it feels like I've known her forever.
We do everything friends do.
We drink way too much iced coffee,
watch bad '90s movies and hang out at Waffle House
dreaming of college and gorging on carbs.
I have a totally, perfectly normal life.
Except I have one huge-ass secret.
I didn't realize you were masturbating.
Your sister's downstairs making some
la-di-da pancake thing she saw on Top Chef,
so we should probably go eat that.
Great. I'll be down in just a second.
Okay. Right after you finish searching the internet for...
lingerie photos of Gigi Habib?
Right. I didn't realize she was your girlfriend.
All right, finish up here.
- Morning, guys. - Simon, have a seat, honey.
-大家早 -西蒙 快坐下
- Morning, Simon. - You gotta eat your breakfast.
-早安 西蒙 -你得吃早餐
Please don't tell me
that breakfast is the most important meal of the day
because that is just so cliche. You're better than that.
I was gonna say breakfast lowers LDL cholesterol
and prevents fluctuating glucose levels
that lead to type two diabetes.
Nora. These are incredible.
Cornmeal pancakes with blackberry compote.
But they're not crumbly enough.
Stop it. They're perfect.
- See you, guys. - See you, Simon.
-再见了 -再见 西蒙
Hey, honey. Be back by seven! It's TV night.
儿子 七点前回来 今晚一起看电视
It's Simon! I live right here!
I like your boots!
Had the craziest dream last night.
Hey, Nick, you have the craziest dream every night.
You don't understand. I'm in this cave, right?
Or maybe it's in outer space.
David Beckham is there with these two contact lenses
and then like, blue one or red one,
like he's a sexy Morpheus from Matrix.
And I don't know which one to pick.
I don't know what to do with these things.
Oh, my God. Have you guys seen Creek Secrets today?
First of all, you are obsessed with that blog, so...
Okay, but apparently, Becca Peterson
got caught giving Ryan O'Donovan an HJ in the pool.
That's the real reason they drained it.
Man, our janitor needs a raise.
- Oh, my God. - And an HPV vaccine.
Leah, I have this dream, right?
Nick, we have a rule, remember?
No analyzing dreams before coffee.
Hi, could we get four iced coffees, please?
你好 四杯冰咖啡 谢谢
Oh, could you get Abby's with milk? She likes milk.
- One with milk. - What are you, her barista?
-一杯加奶 -怎么 你是她的咖啡师吗
It's not hard to remember "with milk."
Oh, thank you. I am figuratively dying.
So, Abby, last night I dreamt
I put the wrong contacts in my eyes.
Another dream. You're like...
You're like the love child of Sigmund Freud and Cristiano Ronaldo.
- Oh, my God. - Thanks.
Now, look. I can't see anything
and I'm stumbling around in this cave,
crashing into stuff, and then, I wake up.
- That's it? - Yeah.
Maybe it's something that you're not seeing clearly.
Like something that's, like, right in front of your face.
What am I not seeing?